My mom passed away in June 2021. I feel as if someone cut a hole in my heart that will never heal.
It’s hard to think of my mother as being gone. In my mind, she’s smiling as she always used to and looks beautiful. I miss her voice more than anything else; it was so calming, so soothing, so supportive.
If you are reading this entry and still have a living mother, I implore you to not let another day go by without saying, “I love you.” Time is short, and every day is a gift.
I used to write lots of letters when I was a kid, so I thought I would write a letter to my mom.
Dear Mom,
I’m writing this letter to let you know how much I miss you. As of this writing, it’s been a couple of months since you left, and I’m learning how difficult it is to live without you. I hope that where you are is peaceful and that you found all the loved ones you hadn’t seen in a while, especially Grandma, whom I know you’ve missed very much.
I’m still stunned when I remember how suddenly you left, only hours after we were eating dinner together in your hospital room. I got an overnight call that no one ever wants to receive telling me that you’d gone into cardiac arrest and slipped away. Had I had any inkling that you were that close to going home, I would never have left your side that evening, no matter what the COVID protocols were. You know that I would never have left you.
I think of you often and trust that you’re in a safe place. No more breathing problems from the pneumonia. No more worrying about being in a hospital bed. No more pain. I took a picture of you in the casket; that might sound morbid, but I just didn’t want to wake up one day and regret not having it. You look so pretty and dignified.
For you, dying was a simple act: You were alive one moment and gone the next. But for those of us who remain and still love you, the grief continues to linger. I have a sobering feeling that things have changed forever.
Summer has not been the same without you, and we’re hoping to take a trip out of state around Christmastime since we know the holidays this year will be different. I miss seeing you on the weekends and hearing your voice on the phone. The thought of never seeing your face again is heartbreaking, but I realize you are visible in the smiles of my three sisters.
Since you went away, it’s like my mind has been playing tricks on me. I’m remembering times long ago that I thought I had forgotten or were trivial. Seeing you in the classroom with Mikus and Buffy. Braiding my hair as I put my face in your lap. Hugging me hard when I would leave for some faraway city after a visit. I feel messed up inside but know I have to keep going as you did when Grandma passed away.
I carry you in my thoughts and feel you are alive in my heart. How fortunate I am to have had you as a mother! I’ll love you forever.
With a grateful heart,
Your daughter, Karen